Solipsism Gradient

From Boing Boing:

If you’ve ever had an existential moment and wondered if you were possibly a brain in a jar being fed an elaborate simulation, this is the gizmo for you…

The Solipsism Gradient is on the high side today. I could use an extra CPU or two, certainly.

Solipsism Humor

10)

…from one of my recent favorites, GrowABrain.

And yes, I’ve had days like that… in fact, my soon-to-be-published MacHack 1998 Paper will be

An attempt at some prefatory remarks towards a tentative analysis of partial data regarding a preliminary survey of procrastination symptoms in MacHack paper writing…

Humor

…and I don’t mean this one.

From Ole Eichhorn’s Critical Section comes this gem:

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest NEW chemical element yet known to science.  The new element has been tentatively named Governmentium.

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.  These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.  Since Governmentium does not have electrons, it is therefore inert.  However, it normally can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.  Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.  In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since any reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.  This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.  This hypothetical quantity is referred to as “critical morass”.

Boing Boing recalled something I had completely forgotten about; a satire of mid-20th century industry speak. Here’s one version from the 1940’s:

The original machine had a base plate of prefabulated amulite, surmounted by a malleable logarithmic casing in such a way that the two spurving bearings were in direct line with the pentametric fan. The latter consisted simply of six hydrocoptic marzelvanes, so fitted to the ambifacient lunar waneshaft that side fumbline was effectively prevented. The main winding was of the normal lotus-0-delta type placed in panendermic semiboiloid slots in the stator, every seventh conductor being connected by a nonreversible tremie pipe to the differential gridlespring on the “up” end of the grammeters.

…

The operating point is maintained as near as possible to the h.f. rem peak by constantly fromaging the bitumogenous spandrels. This is a distinct advance on the standard nivel-sheave in that no dramcock oil is required after the phase detractors have been remissed…

I suppose that’s how everyday computerspeak sounds to non-techies…

Stan Kelly-Bootle (who posted a comment here some days ago) has a new Son of Devil’s Advocate column out – it links back to this humble weblog and threatens to do so again next month!

Stan also reprints, as usual, his “Devil’s Advocate” column 16 years ago in Unix Review magazine, where he attacks one of my pet peeves – the harmful punctuation-within-quotes convention:

And so it comes about that the author’s

If X$ is set to “x”, the string Y$ is set to “end”.

is usually mispublished as:

If X$ is set to “x,” the string Y$ is set to “end.”

This, of course, is “no big deal,” until the billion-dollar space probe reaches the wrong galaxy. (Wasn’t that a misplaced Fortran colon?…Ed.)

I can’t understand why this nonsensical and potentially harmful convention still survives…

I seize the occasion to plug, again, Stan’s magnum opus (or at least my favorite of his several opuses? opi? opae?), The Computer Contradictionary, 2nd Edition, which as usual is on my desk as I write this. Now… where’s the much-overdue 3rd Edition…?

The indefatigable Uncle Al has some “new weapons of mass consumption” posted, among them these Dilbert Neologisms:

…Blamestorming – Group discussion of why deadlines slipped or projects failed, and who was responsible.

…Chainsaw consultant – Outside expert brought in to downsize personnel, leaving the brass with clean hands.

…Mouse Potato – An on-line, wired couch potato.

…Percussive Maintenance – The fine art of whacking an electronic device to restore function.

…Seagull Manager – A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything, and then leaves.

In the midst of a traumatic move, The Dowbrigade waxes rhapsodically about his iBook:

…Meanwhile, we are amazed at the capacity of this little machine to find, acquire and store the essence of what passes for “culture” in the Dowbrigade’s world. After thinking about this we have concluded that it would be theoretically possible to recreate almost all of Western civilization exclusively from the contents of a single 60 gig hard drive…

Meanwhile it is scary the degree to which my worldview and emotional well-being are becoming dependent on this five-pound slab of plastic, metal and silicon. Over the next three months it will be our companion, our post office, our library, our TV, our newsstand, our juke box, our confidant, our journal, our game chest, our worthy opponent in games and puzzles, our cookbook, our darkroom, our calculator, our telephone, our scrapbook, our window on the world and our lifeline to our past. It seems a miracle that one object can fill so many roles and desires. Our preciouuusss.

Indeed.

The J-Walk Blog spreads the word regarding the dangers of Dihydrogen monoxide, an odorless, tasteless chemical that can be fatal when inhaled.

…Although the U.S. Government and the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) do not classify Dihydrogen Monoxide as a toxic or carcinogenic substance (as it does with better known chemicals such as hydrochloric acid and saccharine), DHMO is a constituent of many known toxic substances, diseases and disease-causing agents, environmental hazards and can even be lethal to humans in quantities as small as a thimbleful…

This lethal chemical should be banned forthwith! City officials in Aliso Viejo (CA) nearly banned foam cups after learning that DMHO was involved in their manufacture.