Solipsism Gradient

The GIGA USA quotes site contains over 50,000 quotes indexed by date, author, and whatnot. And it’s searchable! And it links to a hundred other quote sites!

Following some links I chanced upon one of my favorite Steven Wright quotes:

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

😆

This is very apropos of a bug I’m fixing in XRay. I’m using aliases to track open files, in case they’re moved; if the open file is a symbolic link, it’s very hard to keep the system from following the link – I keep getting the file the link points at instead of the link itself. I need to find some system call that stops unwrapping the aliases/links at the appropriate place…

I was looking through my e-mail over the weekend. I’ve used Eudora since way back when. Now I’m on version 6.0 and the junk mail feature works quite well, there are only a few spam messages every day which slip through its filter… and it’s even rarer to have a legitimate message considered as spam.

Even so, I usually skip through the junk folder every day or so to see if something important slipped through… most of my correspondents know well enough that they shouldn’t send me HTML mail or .doc attachments, but sometimes they forget. This time, I found a message from somebody who shall remain nameless… the text (in Portuguese) said something like:

Hey Ima student at <Clueless University> and my prof told us to write about Massintoch Computer I hear your the great Masintosh guru here. Can you write me the HISTORI and about IMPORTANCE of Macintoch Computer and what does Appel mean anyway? I need 3 pages for tomorrow please this is IMPORTANT.

Hah.

Well, I’m not famous enough to get more than a few of those every year, but this time it reminded me of a few other, much more famous, recipients of this sort of thing. The canonical page is, of course, the Titanium Cranium Awards page, written by John Walker, the guy who founded AutoDesk and wrote the first version of AutoCAD. Here’s a sample of what John has to put up with:

From clueless @ aol.com Thu Oct 26 00:58:50 1995

Subject: PICTURES?

Hi, I need some pictures Science, and you guys have the article but do you have the pictures to go with it! Please write me back today, if not even now to confirm this! This information is needed to me today, so please could write me back today, or RIGHT NOW-right now would help me a lot, if you guys could!

and:

From clueless @ college.ac.jp Thu Nov 16 12:38:39 1995

Subject: Cross country dividend – retained earnings comparitive survey

Dear Kevin:

I need data on dividend payments and retained earnings

relative net income for about 100- 500 corporations

listed on each of the major stock markets; London, New

York, Tokyo, Hong Kong, Paris, ect.

Do you know if or where this kind of data might be

found on the web?

(John comments:)

I am deeply moved by your need, as well as your unwillingness to do your own research.

and, best of all:

From: clueless @ slic.com

Subject: Help with regents project

Date: Sun, 11 May 1997 22:26:30 -0400

To whom this may concern:

Hi! My name is Moonflower Clueless. I would like to ask you a few

questions about constellations and their movements. I am doing

constellations for my earth science regents project. I chose to do the

constellation of Orion. I was wondering if you could answer or try to help

me understand constellations a little better, so here are some questions:

1) How do the stars move as the earth rotates and revolves?

2) What are stars and constellations made up of?

3) If the stars are always in the sky, than why can we only see them at night?

4) What does the magnitude of a star mean?

5) Are constellations grouped?

6) Are the constellations all the same age. If not, what are the youngest

and oldest?

7) How do you figure out how to measure the angle of Orion on your own sketches?

Thank you for reading my letter. I hope to see a response soon. I have one more

question? Can you try to get me some pictures and or data of Orion.

Sincerely,

Moonflower Clueless

P.S. I would like a response A.S.A.P., please.

(John comments:)

If I do your homework, do I get your diploma?

By a coincidence, over the weekend I also was rereading Janis Ian‘s excellent website, and stumbled upon one of her articles I hadn’t seen before: Silly Questions to Artists. It seems that in-person questions can be even sillier than e-mail… here’s a sample:

BY FANS:

Would you have dinner with me after the show so I can invite my school/family/friends to meet you? I don’t have any money, you’ll have to pay.

Would you come home with me after the show so I can introduce you to my family/see what you look like in regular clothes/sleep with you?

Why aren’t you more famous? I would be.

Did you watch our high school football game during the show?

Don’t you remember me? I met you after the show in Phoenix in 1978. I was in the front row.

How much is that fifteen dollar CD? (Usually said standing in front of the price sign.)

Can you lend me some money to buy your stuff, I’ll send you a check next month.

Could you send me a cassette of your last show so I can see if I want to go to one?

These are on my list of pages to reread when I need a laugh…

Jon Udell points at an Ars Technica article called The Nigerian SCO Connection:

DEAR SIR/MADAM:

I AM MR. DARL MCBRIDE CURRENTLY SERVING AS THE PRESIDENT AND CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER OF THE SCO GROUP, FORMERLY KNOWN AS CALDERA SYSTEMS INTERNATIONAL, IN LINDON, UTAH, UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. I KNOW THIS LETTER MIGHT SURPRISE YOUR BECAUSE WE HAVE HAD NO PREVIOUS COMMUNICATIONS OR BUSINESS DEALINGS BEFORE NOW.

MY ASSOCIATES HAVE RECENTLY MADE CLAIM TO COMPUTER SOFTWARES WORTH AN ESTIMATED $1 BILLION U.S. DOLLARS. I AM WRITING TO YOU IN CONFIDENCE BECAUSE WE URGENTLY REQUIRE YOUR ASSISTANCE TO OBTAIN THESE FUNDS.

…

…THEREFORE IT IS OUR RESPECTFUL SUGGESTION, THAT YOU MAY BE IMMEDIATELY A PARTY TO THIS ENTERPRISE, BEFORE OTHERS ACCEPT THESE LUCRATIVE TERMS, THAT YOU SEND US THE NUMBER OF A BANKING ACCOUNT WHERE WE CAN WITHDRAW FUNDS OF A SUITABLE AMOUNT TO GUARANTEE YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THIS ENTERPRISE. AS AN ALTERNATIVE YOU MAY SEND US THE NUMBER AND EXPIRATION DATE OF YOUR MAJOR CREDIT CARD, OR YOU MAY SEND TO US A SIGNED CHECK FROM YOUR BANKING ACCOUNT PAYABLE TO “SCO GROUP” AND WITH THE AMOUNT LEFT BLANK FOR US TO CONVENIENTLY SUPPLY.

They stopped short of using the Nigerian fractured syntax, unfortunately.

If you have no idea why this is funny, here are some news articles about SCO.

I think it’s about 10 years since my company received what we believe to be one of the first Nigerian scam letters to make its way into Brazil… by snail-mail, yet! Unfortunately I didn’t keep it. At the time their standard tale about hidden funds was quite plausible and I remember one of my partners seriously arguing for answering the letter.

Xeni Jardin over at the ever-cogent Boing Boing points us at the The English-to-12-Year-Old-AOLer Translator. Good for at least an hour of belly laughs. She even posts a sample of a Nigerian-to-AOL translation:

XENI!!!!! OMG!!!! I AM MARIAM ABACHA DA PRINCIPAL MANAEGR COPORAET R3SOURCES OF DA EQUITY BANK OF NIEGRIA LIMIETD LAGOS BRANCH!1!!!1 WTF??? I WISH 2 MAEK U A PROPOSAL WIT REGARDS A TRANSACTION IN WHICH I R3QUIER FOREIGN ASISTANC31!!! OMG ABOUT 4 Y3ARS AGO IN APRIL 199 A VENAZUELAN BUSIENSMAN AND A P3RSONAL FREIND OF MIEN BY NME MR11!1!! OMG LOL GIOVANI VILAET MAED A FIEXD D3POSIT IN MAH BANK OF MOUNT US$13750000111! OMG LOL (THIRTEN MILION SAV3N HUNDR3D AND FIFTY UNIETD STAETS DOLARS)!1!! LOL UNFORTUNAETLY HA DEID OF CARDIAC AREST IN D3C3MBR 200AS!!1!11 WTF HIS PERSONAL FREIND I DO KNOW FOR C3RTANE TAHT H3 HAD NO RALATIEVS HARA IN NIEGRIA NOR ANY TAHT I KNOW OF IN HIS HOME COUNTRY!1!! WTF ACORDNG 2 TEH LAW HERE TEH FUNDS WIL HAEV 2 B CLAMEED BY DA GOVERNMANT OF MAH COUNTRY IF AFTER 5 (FIEV) YEARS NOBODY APLEIS 2 CLAME DA FUNDS!11!1 WTF LOL

FROM MAH YEARS OF 3XP3REINCE AS A BANK3R SUCH FUNDS USUALY END UP IN PRIVAET POKETS OF CORUPT GOVARNMENT OFICIALS1!!!1!1 I DO NOT WISH THIS 2 B TEH CAES OF DA HARD 3ARN3D INV3STAD FUNDS OF MAH LAET FREIND1!! OMG LOL I THANK U FOR UR UNDARSTANDNG OF TEH PRIVACY OF THIS PROPOSAL 2 U111!! LOL

AWATENG UR PROPMT R3SPONS3

WARM!1!1 OMG WTF LOL REGARDS

MARIAM ABACHA!!! OMG!!! LOLOL!!!!

All I can say is LOLOL!

John Walkenbach writes the J-Walk Blog, which is one of my all-time favorite weblogs. Today was a typical day for John, linking to Pencil Ads, Guitars for Girls, Baby Names, Advances in Wine Cork Technology, The WD-40 FAQ, and Satan’s Laundromat, to cite just a few. I could go on and on…

Today’s favorite is “Who’s on first” by Lincoln Spector:

Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?

Thanks. I’m setting up a home office in the den, and I’m thinking of buying a computer.

Mac?

No, the name is Bud.

Your computer?

I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

Mac?

I told you, my name is Bud.

What about Windows?

Why? Does it get stuffy?

Do you want a computer with Windows?

I don’t know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

Wallpaper.

… {two pages of this snipped}

Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?

I’m so busy, I absolutely had to post this one .

codepoetry pointed me at 0xDECAFBAD who writes (“courtesy of purl”, whatever that means)

I must not attend meetings. Meetings are the mind killer. Meetings are the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my meeting. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the wasted time has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

If this is absolute gibberish to you, you haven’t read Frank Herbert’s Dune, or any of its sequels. I wish I could read it again for the first time…

I wrote this link down some days ago and can’t find where I saw it, sorry. But there’s some funny stuff here… I particularly like the third one from the top, “Beware of the <chomp>”.

I’ve been wanting to post this for some time but had lost the reference. Although this has been e-mailed around without attribution, it turns out that it’s a story/radio play by award-winning SF author Terry Bisson. Here’s the full text on his website.

Voice One: “They’re made out of meat.”

Voice Two: “Meat?”

Voice One: “Meat. They’re made out of meat.”

Voice Two: “Meat?”

…

Voice One: “Oh, there’s a brain all right. It’s just that the brain is made out of meat! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.”

Voice Two: “So… what does the thinking?”

Voice One: “You’re not getting it, are you? You’re refusing to deal with what I’m telling you. The brain does the thinking. The meat.”

Voice Two: “Thinking meat! You’re asking me to believe in thinking meat!”

…

This first appeared in Omni Magazine, April 1991. I think it’s one of the funniest things ever published.